Steps To Normal Human Development - Fixing What's Broke

©2007 Lisa Tyler



Most of us know that when something isn’t working, it’s time to change SOME thing.  For some people that’s as easy as changing clothes, but this article is for those of us who have great difficulty allowing ourselves to make a change.  How many times have you heard a person say, “If I COULD, I would”?  Or, “I really know what I SHOULD do, but I don’t have any idea HOW”?

The biggest question that an abused person has is not really “what” should I do, because we all know what we really should do to be good to ourselves, or what our life should look like if it were running smoothly.  

The reason we ask the “how” question is because most of us can’t bear to hurt someone’s feelings (by splitting up a relationship) or don’t feel we’ll ever get the courage to leave an abusive spouse, or employer, parent, etc.  There is a tremendous, debilitating fear in taking the first step.  It never comes because we can’t find the trigger or the “magic pill” that would get us past that first step.

If we do manage to start pulling away or leave a spouse, there is a horrible feeling inside of us that says we have done wrong and we must go back to the abuser and tow the line. 

Where does that insane thought come from?  It absolutely outweighs and takes precedence over self-preservation, every time.  I believe that’s why women call the police and have a man removed from the home, then take him back as soon as he’s out of jail and take whatever punishment is necessary to make it up to him for rebelling.

This week my sister Eileen has been getting very helpful and stunning messages from the Lord, and personal revelations about life.  One of the revelations concerns the normal and abnormal development of children.

We had identified this week that the first way a child expresses his/her own identity is by saying NO.  This is a very healthy and important step for both males and females, but for a few generations now, parents have been squashing their children’s “no’s” as some unwanted rebellion that had to be put down before it got out of hand.

This is where I think the horrible feeling of having done wrong by standing up to an abuser comes from.

Back in the days before television, children were taken alongside the parents in every chore, whether it was working in the field or the kitchen, and they were happy to be allowed and expected to take part in the family work.  

Sometime in the last century, a popular idea came into being, that having children do work was wrong until they hit a certain age.  Then suddenly kids were expected to be ABLE to work like adults and that they should want to.  How stupid was that? 

We left our kids to sit on the couch watching TV while we did everything and then wondered why they got into trouble, and why they felt alone and unappreciated.  

Suicides and depression increased, self-esteem went down and 18 years of training time was wasted that kids could have learned how to make a success of their existence in simple terms.

Well, I don’t have to tell you that the psychiatrist’s couch was no substitute for those early years of helping beside mom or dad, and this has been a HUGE factor in creating the prison farms we have today.

Yes, that sounds oversimplified and it may be, but the fact remains, children need to DO things.  They need to be a part of the family, they need to SEE that the work of their own hands helped their family, and they need to observe how mom and dad makes a living so they can easily repeat it.

They also NEED to know that it’s all right for them to say no to something that does not feel right to them.

When a parent tells a child that saying no is wrong, that child grows up believing they always have to say yes.  It becomes harder to exert their authority and make decisions based on what’s good for THEM, because when they did that, mom and dad got mad.  Therefore to have social approval, children (and later - adults) have to “please” their peers and there is no good or healthy way of doing this.  This is an unnatural state of being.

One of Eileen’s revelations was about the stages of healthy development. 

First, a child is born with the number one command to survive on this planet, to seek life and not to give up.  The basic needs must be met – food, water, warmth, etc.  So, a baby is seen putting its hands to its mouth, and then its feet, or anything within reach, because the urge is to feed and to stay alive.  (In plants, it causes them to reach towards the sun.  In fleas it makes them move towards a warm body.)   Our confidence in our ability to eat, or our fears of lack of food, we take with us easily into adulthood.

The second command for humans is to make choices and decisions, and search around for what feels good, avoiding what feels bad.   This is a learning and exploring stage.  Getting to DO things.  Baby learns to exert his authority over his life and may say no at this stage, even though he may be too young to vocalize it in any way other way than to cry.

Those choices and decisions, the searching around for what feels right for us, extends into adulthood too if we’re allowed to grow.  We must begin to express the gifts and talents that are hidden inside of us, by choosing to do whatever we want to do.  This may cause a parent grief, but the child’s exploration and wildness is crucial to his survival and healthy development.

In generations past, there was little harm in letting a child run and play hard.  There weren’t as many cars and roads to run out in, or things to get hurt on.  Expensive decorations and Dad’s stereo system didn’t exist yet that baby could damage.  There was little a child would say no to that mattered.  

They WANTED to help out with work, because the alternative was boring, and the rewards for doing it were the social acceptance that we all need.  This is the RIGHT way to get it -  teamwork and seeing the fruits of your own labors, and knowing you have a secure place in the scheme of things.

In this stage, the child learns who he or she IS, and they learn how to follow instincts that will lead them into a career or fulfilling their life purpose.

In the Bible, this stage could be likened to the command given in the garden of Eden to “be fruitful”.  If you take the sentence “be fruitful and multiply” apart, and think of them as 2 separate stages, the fruitful is self development and the multiplication is the third command or stage in man’s life.

To multiply doesn’t only mean to have babies and keep the species going, it also means to gather in groups.  Back in a baby’s life, when a healthy baby is put into a room full of babies, it will leave its mother and go seek out other babies of it’s own kind.  Not it’s own color, but it’s own stage of development.  It will find its peers.

In spiritual terms, it will be a multiplication of efforts.  Whatever it’s being fruitful in, it will network with other souls of like mind and they together will create faster, better, and facilitate more development of the success of each individual.

It also contains the urge to mate, to pair off and to procreate.

SO!  What am I getting at?  Eileen said, if you mess up command number 2, to be fruitful (or to NOT develop and grow into your place on earth) or to stop making decisions for yourself – as we do whenever we pair up with an abusive spouse – we revert back to command number one – to eat!

We fall back on what we know well, the previous stage of development from where we’ve become stunted.  So people who have given over control of their decision making process to a parent or spouse, or employer, and are not living to their full potential, will revert to a more basic pattern of living.  They will overeat, or keep going over and over the creature’s first instinct, to survive, sacrificing portions of their lives and their children’s lives for the “right” to live from their spouse.

The third command.  Then as they go out and find their peers, (command 3), they are off balance and will make poor choices for friends and poor mates in life.  They’ll raise their children with the same imbalance and then in just a short time, you have a world full of people who can’t appreciate living, don’t know how to succeed, and who all want to die.

Very oversimplified, but do you see yourself here?  Are you asking what then is the solution?  You can’t go back to your parents and the home you were raised, pretend you’re a kid again and redo your life. 

The answer Eileen received was – start making decisions.  Make choices, find your talents, explore who you are, and little by little you’ll fulfill your destiny and become in balance. 

If you are a parent or grandparent, DON’T yell at a child or belittle her for saying NO.  Let the child make personal choices and unless it’s absolutely crucial that the child obey you, let them say no as often as they say yes.  If you don’t make a big deal out of them saying no, they won’t get any idea that it’s something to continue into their teen years to provoke you with.

Work at restoring your own ability to say no, by making choices in little things every day.  Say yes to one color and no to another.  Say yes to this food and no to others.  Find a friend and have her ask you questions and practice saying no to them.  Make note of what types of questions or subjects bother you the most, and have her ask those questions!

Try to remember that your purpose on earth is not to please your peers, or anyone in authority.  Your purpose is to make choices, find your own unique path and travel it.

Everyone else is doing the same thing.  If you’ve gotten off balance, and you’re now one of the unhappy people who complain “why doesn’t my spouse understand me, or try to make my life better?” – you have to know it’s not their responsibility.  It was NEVER put into any baby to sacrifice their own time or life for another. 

I don’t mean you should never attempt to help someone else, but that’s stage 4 and has nothing to do with these issues of survival.  First you have to decide to survive, 2nd -develop who you are and your path in life, 3rd - seek out others of like mind and purpose, and then 4th – reach out to the world and God.


In the coming weeks, I'll be sharing with you information on a program that can help us reclaim the power in our lives, and become decisive, in control and well balanced people.  More on that soon.

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